Month: June 2016

Another One Bites the Dust….

Here I sit the day after….the day after a scenario that is all too familiar to me during these past many years post divorce. The day after…you know, the talk. That talk that goes something to the effect of “I am just not ready. It’s not you, it’s me. I just am not in the place in my life for a relationship…..etc etc”. The familiarity of this talk, this conversation, is ingrained in my bones and my being. I have come to expect it now; which is probably not very good for the flow of relating to men that I have embodied. It is like I know it’s coming so I just need to hold on for dear life and pray that it comes at a time when I actually am feeling pretty damn good in the rest of my life. A time when most other factors are lining up in my world…then I can deal in a decent way. It has actually become a gauge for how “evolved” I feel in my everyday reality…how much of a grip that I have on the rest of my world. Yesterday was an interesting day on the whole as I felt pretty off in every aspect so this little chat came as absolutely no surprise and actually was short, sweet, to the point, no drama, no tears, no consoling, no negotiations. It was clear. It was honest (on his end) and I just agreed and said goodnight. No need to drag things out. I welcomed this man into my life, into my bed, into my son’s world and our connection was lovely and, now, it’s over. Short lived but palpable and impactful. I did feel something with this particular man that I have never felt before with another, so perhaps that is the medicine in this entire situation…I was gifted, if even for a fleeting moment, to feel what the possibility of a deeply loving connection feels like. I felt at home with this person in a way that I have not been able to before. Again, short lived but not forgotten. Is this maturity? Perhaps. Wisdom with age? Perhaps. I see and feel more and more that people enter our lives at moments and they are divine moments. Some stick around for a long time…lifetimes. Others for 3 week love affairs. While I have been “burned” many times over these past years of dating one thing that I know for sure and one thing that I can hold close to m
heart is that they were all growing and learning opportunities. They all cracked down a layer around my heart and all had their purpose in the grand scheme of this divine life I am blessed to live.

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So today I sit alone, yet again. No man pouring their love onto me. No fun flirty texts back and forth with another. Back to just me, on my own in the very familiar way that I have been for 6 years. Alone but altered. Softened. Vulnerable and grateful. I land in a place of trust in the human heart and spirit. I arrive touched deeply and tapped into my own wisdom and strength in navigating relating to another and the clarification of what I am truly calling in. The caliber of man that I hold out for and the bigger vision of who I am, what I need to be met, and how I desire to show up for myself and my own heart while I w
alk this fine line and dance the evolutionary dance of intimacy.

On Self-Love from 10/21/13

Over the past few days I have seen many, many blog posts and emails composed from a wide variety of sources, about self-love and how crucial it is to really living life with eyes wide open and heart soft and receptive.  I have also had conversations with friends all around me about this radical, yet so practical, notion of self-love;  including the importance of stretching and expanding ourselves at every turn.  Essentially, not remaining SMALL and SAFE:  the world needs us to live our lives in a full and sometimes quite uncomfortable manner.  However, there is also the deep recognition that this is often easier said than done.  Questions that my girlfriend and I posed repeatedly were such that exactly WHY is it so hard to just live our lives in the fullness and optimal manner that is our birthright?  When did we learn to remain SMALL and CONTAINED so as to not offend anyIMG_2666one?  Why, now, after so many years of operating from that place is this absolutely no longer serving us?  And, why is this so often the topic of conversation currently?  Are people all over starting to actually WAKE UP and recognize who they really are?

There are so many answers to those questions, to me, anyhow.  As I dive deeper and deeper into my own questions of why on earth I have chosen to remain so small and almost debhilitated for most of my life?  Why, at such a young age, did I choose to focus on my weight, food intake, and level of exercise, so that I would in turn remain totally obsessed and, quite frankly, SMALL SMALL SMALL?  This is not easy to admit, however, as I approach my 39th birthday, which to me is really really close to 40, I am straight up….O-V-E-R -I-T!  For real.  It has recently taken on a new entity and a new level of consumption….it has officially and totally consumed my every minute of every day…..AGAIN!  I have found myself engaging in true intimacy — something that is as close to love as I have every felt, and very well could really be love, and naturally this crazy obsessive-compulsiveness of my body image has decided that it needed to really take charge.  Softening and opening to love is not safe in its book.  Intimacy??  No way.  Vulnerability??  No way.  Actual, true ACCEPTANCE and SELF-LOVE? Oh my, well…..I want this but am I actually willing to take the leap and cut the bullshit and just L-O-V-E?!?!

Even as I write this….as I sit in front of my computer and spill these “secrets”, my inner voice is obsessing about when I get to exercise next, what more I can eat tonight, how fat I am, how my man is going to be repulsed by how much weight I have gained since seeing him last, etc etc….blah blah blah blah blah blah

That is all it REALLY is.  To me, actually giving it voice disempowers it.  It shows me (and everyone reading this) how absolutely ludacris this voice actually is.  Where did it come from?  Is this considered part of my shadow?  When did this voice become in charge?  And, HOW ON EARTH CAN I GET THIS VOICE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?!?!?  Amen.

So, where I am now approaching my 39th year on this beautiful planet, is really questioning these deeply rooted belief systems.  Questioning how I want to operate my life, what voice or voices I actually want to be my guides??  Recognizing each and every day the power of these early messages AND, at the same time, recognizing and acknowledging that WE ALL HAVE CHOICE in each and every moment as to what direction we want our lives to turn.  What type of painting do we want our lives to look like?  How can we continuously, EACH AND EVERY DAY, choose to become more awake, more alive, and more connected with our surroundings and each other?  And, how does our own individual awakening have the potential to affect those around us and, in turn, truly help support the planet as a whole in becoming the magical, mysterious, and beautiful place it is supposed to be for ourselves and for our future generations?

Published on Yoganonymous – How to Embody Yoga During Traumatic Experiences

14986622826_cdb87af6fb_zOn January 14th of this year, my 6-year old son and I drove up to our home on fire.

A fluke “accident” caused this fire and the subsequent loss of 90% of our belongings. Oh, and then there was forced displacement. I’m a hard working single mom and we had just moved into this beautiful home a few months prior. I had poured my heart, soul, and resources into creating the most amazing and upgraded residence that we had ever had the privilege of calling home. In that fleeting moment of arrival, the panic, and awareness of the massiveness of what was happening has forever changed me, and I know, my son. Life will never be the same and the preciousness of life itself remains at the forefront of our everyday reality.

– See more at: http://yoganonymous.com/how-to-embody-yoga-during-traumatic-experiences#.dpuf