Here I sit the day after….the day after a scenario that is all too familiar to me during these past many years post divorce. The day after…you know, the talk. That talk that goes something to the effect of “I am just not ready. It’s not you, it’s me. I just am not in the place in my life for a relationship…..etc etc”. The familiarity of this talk, this conversation, is ingrained in my bones and my being. I have come to expect it now; which is probably not very good for the flow of relating to men that I have embodied. It is like I know it’s coming so I just need to hold on for dear life and pray that it comes at a time when I actually am feeling pretty damn good in the rest of my life. A time when most other factors are lining up in my world…then I can deal in a decent way. It has actually become a gauge for how “evolved” I feel in my everyday reality…how much of a grip that I have on the rest of my world. Yesterday was an interesting day on the whole as I felt pretty off in every aspect so this little chat came as absolutely no surprise and actually was short, sweet, to the point, no drama, no tears, no consoling, no negotiations. It was clear. It was honest (on his end) and I just agreed and said goodnight. No need to drag things out. I welcomed this man into my life, into my bed, into my son’s world and our connection was lovely and, now, it’s over. Short lived but palpable and impactful. I did feel something with this particular man that I have never felt before with another, so perhaps that is the medicine in this entire situation…I was gifted, if even for a fleeting moment, to feel what the possibility of a deeply loving connection feels like. I felt at home with this person in a way that I have not been able to before. Again, short lived but not forgotten. Is this maturity? Perhaps. Wisdom with age? Perhaps. I see and feel more and more that people enter our lives at moments and they are divine moments. Some stick around for a long time…lifetimes. Others for 3 week love affairs. While I have been “burned” many times over these past years of dating one thing that I know for sure and one thing that I can hold close to m
heart is that they were all growing and learning opportunities. They all cracked down a layer around my heart and all had their purpose in the grand scheme of this divine life I am blessed to live.
So today I sit alone, yet again. No man pouring their love onto me. No fun flirty texts back and forth with another. Back to just me, on my own in the very familiar way that I have been for 6 years. Alone but altered. Softened. Vulnerable and grateful. I land in a place of trust in the human heart and spirit. I arrive touched deeply and tapped into my own wisdom and strength in navigating relating to another and the clarification of what I am truly calling in. The caliber of man that I hold out for and the bigger vision of who I am, what I need to be met, and how I desire to show up for myself and my own heart while I w
alk this fine line and dance the evolutionary dance of intimacy.