Depressed or ????

IMG_2710I have been feeling flat the past few weeks. Without much emotion and definitely lacking in energy. I could say that I feel depressed but I know that there is such a negative connotation associated with that word so I hesitate. Especially with my past life experiences and history of being clinically depressed and medicated on and off for many of my early adult years – I hesitate to put that label on where and how I sit today. The truth is that I do feel very low, I feel like crawling into bed for a few days and pulling the covers over my head….but, I am not doing that. I am functioning – to the best of my ability at the moment which  is not at optimal capacity – but, I am functioning. In midst of my depressive state, I cleaned Kai’s entire room, did laundry and cleaned out my closet. I then collapsed on the couch with a movie and a big glass of wine but holding onto the productivity that I was able to accomplish feels important. Back in my days of truly being depressed, there is no way that I could have accomplished any of that. Not a chance. I wasn’t happy about doing it yesterday but there was that tiny bit of energy that was carrying me…pulling me in the direction of movement. And, important to note is that I was not resisting. I was surrendered. I feel that this has been the biggest lesson in this entire experience currently…..noticing my feelings, acknowledging that, yes, I feel lethargic, unmotivated, sad, depressed, whatever labels I want to put on in the moment….but I am completely surrendered to them. I am not beating myself up about my current state. I am not resisting what is happening. I am softening to myself. I am creating a depth of intimacy with myself that I have never been able to access in the past as I am usually running, resisting, beating myself up, convincing myself that I need to be a certain way, I will get fat if I eat that comfort food and don’t work out like a maniac….all of the many, many messages that I have been telling myself over the years. The armor I have built up around my heart, around my body, around myself – interfering with my ability to actually feel the present moment – to actually really feel what I am feeling – even if it’s not necessarily a positive feeling – even if it’s kinda a drag. What I learn more and more as I get older (and wiser!! ;) is that softening, surrendering, and finding your breath in the present moment is critical to feeling at peace in your body and in your heart and absolutely the only way that you can truly connect to another human being – your child, your partner, your parents, friends, whomever. So, here I sit, after cancelling clients 2 days in a row due to my inability to access any energy to give to anyone, feeling “depressed”, unmotivated, a bit sad, and even a little flat….I am surrendered to the present moment in a way that I have never been able to be before and despite all of these “unwanted” feelings and experiences, I do have faith in that guiding light. I have faith in myself in a way that I have not before….the wise woman in me knows that not only will “this too shall pass” but it is actually me releasing some big shit and taking myself to the next level of growth – which clearly I have been needing. So, instead of fighting what is happening, instead of forcing myself to put on a face, muscle up, and just do what I gotta do to make the money, to get through the day, I am actually really truly honoring myself – honoring this road I have been on and the place that I have landed in time and time again. As I was venting to a friend yesterday in my space of I have done everything to progress myself – I get up every morning at 5am to meditate, I practice yoga daily, I spend time connecting in nature, etc etc….as I was spewing that this shit is not working (!!) – I heard myself and knew in that moment that, actually, this “shit” is working. It is working me on a new and deep level. This “shit” is supporting me in this surrender so that I may rise in a more embodied and integrated way. There is no timeline here. It is just raw and real experiences and with each passing moment in which I seek to breathe into and just be with, I know that I am moving closer and closer to myself. I trust in these lows that must rise again and with each acceleration comes a deeper understanding of who I am, the gifts I have to offer the world, and a more easeful and comfortable relationship with being in my own skin.