My baby is now 7. A budding young man decked always in various sports wear, all about his independence, and certainly not interested in hanging with his mommy. In fact, last night I had to set a timer around how much time he “had” to spend with me and then he could go upstairs and do his own thing. As he watched excitedly the time drop, I woke up to an even deeper sense of just how quickly this is all going….this path of motherhood. I had moments of sheer awe in how big he is and really how much I missed while he was little due to life circumstances. I was there physically but mentally just couldn’t quite land in the nurturing space of mommy. As hard as it is to admit, I feel as though I actually had an aversion, an allergy to becoming a mom – bearing in mind that my circumstances were less than desirable. I did not enjoy pregnancy, could not drop into my growing body and the reality that I was growing a life inside of me. I was in an abusive marital situation and I believe the magnitude of what was on the horizon was just simply too much to bear. So, I disconnected. I exited my body during the critical time of growing my child. There is no doubt that he feels it all. And, I do not live in regret by any means and do know that he will be fine. My boy is fine and is dealing and will deal with the cards he was dealt, as we all do.
My experience last night with my son was on the next plane, there is no doubt, and I feel very healing for us both. I have deep faith in the human experience of life and that we are given opportunities at the most perfect moment and not a minute sooner. Kai has not allowed me to touch him much. As a baby I used to do infant massage every night before attempting to get him to bed. As soon as he was mobile, though, that stopped and never resumed. I touch bodies for a living and believe in the power of healing touch – I get it. As comfortable as I am touching others in my work, there has been a foreignness to touching my son and soothing him in that way. It comes back to this allergy I have had to being a mom – and just a pure unease in the entire experience. Last night, after some good snuggles in my bed, I asked him if it would be okay for me to rub his feet while he fell asleep. He agreed and I set myself up to massage his feet and lower legs as he was settling. While he did not stop squirming and I felt that he was uncomfortable with the touch, he kept telling me that it felt really good. It was so satisfying and heartwarming. He even verbalized the moment when his feet needed “a break” from being rubbed, and then he promptly passed out for the night.
This was, by far, one of the most beautiful moments for me as a mom for so many reasons. I felt connected to Kai in a way that I have never felt before – the purest love and care was pouring through me. I felt no stress, angst, unease, and disconnect – I was so present in that glorious moment of loving care that I was able to give my boy and that he was, finally, able to receive.