Over the past few days I have seen many, many blog posts and emails composed from a wide variety of sources, about self-love and how crucial it is to really living life with eyes wide open and heart soft and receptive. I have also had conversations with friends all around me about this radical, yet so practical, notion of self-love; including the importance of stretching and expanding ourselves at every turn. Essentially, not remaining SMALL and SAFE: the world needs us to live our lives in a full and sometimes quite uncomfortable manner. However, there is also the deep recognition that this is often easier said than done. Questions that my girlfriend and I posed repeatedly were such that exactly WHY is it so hard to just live our lives in the fullness and optimal manner that is our birthright? When did we learn to remain SMALL and CONTAINED so as to not offend anyone? Why, now, after so many years of operating from that place is this absolutely no longer serving us? And, why is this so often the topic of conversation currently? Are people all over starting to actually WAKE UP and recognize who they really are?
There are so many answers to those questions, to me, anyhow. As I dive deeper and deeper into my own questions of why on earth I have chosen to remain so small and almost debhilitated for most of my life? Why, at such a young age, did I choose to focus on my weight, food intake, and level of exercise, so that I would in turn remain totally obsessed and, quite frankly, SMALL SMALL SMALL? This is not easy to admit, however, as I approach my 39th birthday, which to me is really really close to 40, I am straight up....O-V-E-R -I-T! For real. It has recently taken on a new entity and a new level of consumption....it has officially and totally consumed my every minute of every day.....AGAIN! I have found myself engaging in true intimacy -- something that is as close to love as I have every felt, and very well could really be love, and naturally this crazy obsessive-compulsiveness of my body image has decided that it needed to really take charge. Softening and opening to love is not safe in its book. Intimacy?? No way. Vulnerability?? No way. Actual, true ACCEPTANCE and SELF-LOVE? Oh my, well.....I want this but am I actually willing to take the leap and cut the bullshit and just L-O-V-E?!?!
Even as I write this....as I sit in front of my computer and spill these “secrets”, my inner voice is obsessing about when I get to exercise next, what more I can eat tonight, how fat I am, how my man is going to be repulsed by how much weight I have gained since seeing him last, etc etc....blah blah blah blah blah blah
That is all it REALLY is. To me, actually giving it voice disempowers it. It shows me (and everyone reading this) how absolutely ludacris this voice actually is. Where did it come from? Is this considered part of my shadow? When did this voice become in charge? And, HOW ON EARTH CAN I GET THIS VOICE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?!?!?!?!? Amen.
So, where I am now approaching my 39th year on this beautiful planet, is really questioning these deeply rooted belief systems. Questioning how I want to operate my life, what voice or voices I actually want to be my guides?? Recognizing each and every day the power of these early messages AND, at the same time, recognizing and acknowledging that WE ALL HAVE CHOICE in each and every moment as to what direction we want our lives to turn. What type of painting do we want our lives to look like? How can we continuously, EACH AND EVERY DAY, choose to become more awake, more alive, and more connected with our surroundings and each other? And, how does our own individual awakening have the potential to affect those around us and, in turn, truly help support the planet as a whole in becoming the magical, mysterious, and beautiful place it is supposed to be for ourselves and for our future generations?