For years upon years I have been running on fumes, in survival mode, barely dragging my ass out of bed in the morning, feeling completely unresourced and definitely not ready for the day ahead….much less any inspiration for anything other than just getting through the day. I was tired, exhausted to the bone, and honestly felt much along the lines of dread at the tasks that lay before me. Overwhelm, depressed, longing for things to be different, angst at all that I was faced with….amongst some of the many feelings and emotions that I was dealing with on a daily basis as the solo parent to my high-need little boy. Life did not feel fun. We all know that parenting has its moments and they do not always want to make you jump for joy. But, I have observed that most parents I know counter those less-than-fun moments with adventurous and life altering experiences with their kids…be it camping trips, taking their kids skiing, merging with other families and doing dinners, vacations….I think you get my point. Being a single mom that has not been my experience at all. It is rare that we are asked to join in with other families on fun expeditions. I have always questioned is it because I am not partnered, my child is just too much to handle, or perhaps because I cannot afford what they are doing. Whatever the reason is, my experience of parenting Kai has been a lonely arduous one with very little fun and relief. I have not been able to take him on vacations or for expansive getaways for many reasons. Financially it has not been feasible, and quite frankly it is more work for me to keep Kai happy and it has felt ‘easier’ to just stay close to home. Until now.
A couple of months ago I committed to myself that I was going to start meditating daily (I meditated but always very sporadic and usually at the end of the day when I was exhausted and all I wanted to be was horizontal and passed out!) in the mornings before Kai woke up. My son has always been an early riser so I knew that this was going to take some serious will to make happen and to sustain. I started setting my alarm for 5 or 5:30 (depending on how early I got to bed) and I would drag my bum out of bed and plant myself in front of my alter, light the candle, and sit for 30-45 minutes. For the first many weeks, this was challenging and I had to wrestle with the voices telling me to turn that damn alarm off and stay in bed…I needed the rest or whatever bullshit my mind was telling me. But, I pushed through and have continued this practice – I can honestly say that I love it and actually look forward to it. It is an amazing way for me to start my day. The stillness and quiet of the morning and just checking in with my breath, my body, my mind, my heart; feels magical. I have taken it a step further and head to my computer and my notebook after meditating and continue in this quiet space of contemplation by reading inspiring blogposts (I really like sarahprout.com right now), writing, doing rituals through my intentions and words. It has served me so well and I believe has strengthened my capacity as a woman and as a mother. I feel my life accelerating, I feel my embodiment deepening, and overall I feel clearer and more present for my days…no more dread. I am not saying that my shit isn’t coming up but what is happening is that things are moving through me quickly. I allow myself to feel whatever it is, and then it moves; sometimes with tears, sometimes with movement in my body, sometimes simply breathing deeply into my heart in midst of it. Everything is energy. We have the capacity to shift our energy at any moment and there is no doubt that when we do, those in our lives do to. Sometimes through exiting as our vibrations are no longer in sync, sometimes matching our rising and meeting us where we are – perhaps inspiring others to do the same.
My path has been unique, as I know all of ours are. I have been in the absolute depths of despair, truly unable to see any light at the end of any tunnel. I am not there anymore and I never, in those moments, imagined that I wouldn’t be. I am stronger, clearer, and more grounded in who I am and how I show up in the world than ever before. It takes work, it takes consistent effort, and an undying belief in oneself. Life will not stop throwing curve balls and challenges, but we must strengthen that muscle of coping. We must choose life as it is precious and short. There are no accidents. Everything is unfolding in its own divine timing and as soon as we start believing that, believing in ourselves, and let go of the resistance; amazing things can unfurl and life can become much more fun.
Bottom line, committing to a regular meditation practice has opened my life up in immeasurable ways. I am a believer like no other and am on a mission to inspire and support fellow mama travelers on this wild and rocky path of motherhood.