17 Years of Motherhood

My son’s birthday is this Friday, and I’ve been reflecting on this wild, 17-year journey of motherhood. I feel moved to share a piece of my story—both to offer deeper understanding of my background and how it has shaped who I am today, and to help normalize a path of motherhood that has been anything but easeful.

I find myself remembering my extremely pregnant self—feeling the weight on so many levels. Yes, I had gained over 50 pounds, but even more than that, I knew in my heart that I was not in a supportive or mutually nourishing relationship.

There were inklings of regret creeping in, alongside waves of fear,overwhelm, and anxiety, as I prepared to bring this baby into deeply tumultuous and unknown circumstances.

Fast forward a year… After spending that time in utter angst and experiencing abuse, I knew I had to do whatever it took to create some sense of safety, alignment, and stability for both myself and my baby.

Becoming a single mom felt like the best course of action.

For 11 years, I lived in that role—and honestly, looking back, I don’t know how I did it. I was fully mothering a very high-need, dysregulated child on my own while going to grad school to finish my master’s degree, working, running a business, and managing a household. I feel a shudder move through my body as I name it now and remember the magnitude and density of those years.

And still, they strengthened me in immeasurable ways. And yes—those high-stress years took a toll. I feel it now as I navigate menopausal health challenges that, in many ways, stem from living in that prolonged, high-stress, low-resourced state for so long.

There was loss in those 11 years—friendships, relationships, freedom, and a sense of steadiness in my body and life. And at the same time, I gained access to a well of wisdom and insight that has shaped who I am today.

Now, 17 years later, with a young man finding his way in an extremely chaotic and conflictual world, I feel something in my body finally begin to rest. There is a trust moving through me that I have not been able to access before.

There is a deep part of me that believes in this challenging, at times nearly insane, journey that Kai and I have walked together—it has shown me the power of the mother-son bond in a way I could not have understood otherwise. Even as our relationship has shifted in these past few years, with him becoming a teenager and me being partnered, that unshakable connection remains.

I am his person, and I always will be.

And to me, that makes it all worth it.

So please join me in sending love to my beautiful, stubborn, fiery, funny, uniquely himself Taurean boy as he turns 17!

And to all of you… I know Mother’s Day can hold so much—grief, longing, love, and everything in between. For those who have lost their mothers, for those who have longed to become mothers, and for all the layered experiences in between.

May we gently turn toward the mother within us and honor, empower, and embrace her.