Conflict as a Platform for Growth

Conflict is an inevitable aspect of life in relationship. 

How we work with, channel, and express this conflict can either enhance our lives and relationships or diminish and cause detriment to us and our relations.
 
Of course, there are infinite approaches to analyze oneself and our patterns of attachment, how we “deal” with conflict, and our habitual ways of showing up in our relationships. 

Rather than go to that place of analysis, I am inviting you to get curious about your unique ways of meeting conflict in your relationships. What your “go to” is when the rub starts happening within your relations….and, to turn towards yourself from this place of awareness.

To get clear in yourself around what it is in your patterning that is interfering with your capacity to connect authentically and vulnerably.
 
This is *not* an opportunity to berate oneself for past relationship breakdowns, but, rather, a window of possibility to deepen in your own relationship with yourself, so that you may simultaneously deepen in your relations to others. 
 
So many avoid conflict, do whatever they possibly can to not brush against it, numb themselves so as to disconnect from the need to meet the conflict, and skirt around issues in deterring and shielding oneself from any possibility of meeting another with dissonance.
 
Note: I am not saying that we need to create conflict to grow in our relationships, I am acknowledging the humanness of conflict and how learning how to meet it with integrity, self-awareness, compassion, and a willingness to grow can be absolutely pivotal for our relationships success and progression.
 
Choosing to see conflict as a gateway towards a deepening in oneself, is an empowering step along the human path.

• How can we navigate conflict so that it is productive and pro-active along our path of growth?

• How can we shift our own habitual ways of meeting conflict so as to deepen in our connections, rather than create distance?

• What do we need to do in our own inner process of life to gain the skills essential for tapping into the medicine of conflict and all that those moments provide in creating solid ground for forward momentum?

 
Big questions without a doubt and extremely important ones in the continuous evolution of ourselves as humans in relation to other humans. 
 
This offering is one of taking a look at some tangible tactics to use while in the thick of a conflictual moment in relationship. By no means is this a complete list, yet, rather, an invitation to begin your own process of self-inquiry in the realm of relationship patterns and moving through conflict. 
 
Take what lands for you and leave the rest. 

NAVIGATING CONFLICT CONSCIOUSLY AND PRODUCTIVELY:
 
Self-ownership. Projection onto others is epidemic. I am certain that we all can relate to pointing the finger outward towards our partner, children, friends, and/or family members around who did what to whom and who is responsible for what.  It is comfortable to do this. When we can make the conscious choice to turn back towards ourselves and tune in, taking ownership for our role in the conflict or situation, then the space opens for healing and growth. Always projecting outwards and never looking inwards is a recipe for breakdown that may or may not be able to be repaired. If we can do this simple, yet complex gesture of self-ownership, we have the opportunity to create new ridges in our relationship patterns…beginning from deep within our own true selves. 
 
Do no harm. When we are in the thick of a conflict, argument, or disagreement, it can be *easy* to go for the jugular. To pull out all of the punches, so-to-speak. To be mean. To bring in all of the qualities that we may not enjoy about the other….you get the picture.  Here is a HUGE message for us all to breathe in.  If we can learn how to argue without doing harm to another, we have the opportunity to gain some incredible human life skills of integrity, compassion, and empathy. First for ourselves, as when we are mean and critical of others it is a direct mirror of how we feel about ourselves, and, then, of others, as we are all HUMAN. 
 
Taking space when needed. It is healthy to create space when in the thick of a heated conflict.  To step away, to take some deep breaths and get oneself resourced. To come back to ourselves in midst of the swirls of an argument. Everyone needs different amounts of time with this. For some, perhaps just stepping away for a few minutes brings them back to center, others may need longer to locate themselves. To be clear, this is not about avoidance. This is about taking care of oneself so that we can meet each other from a place of integrity and wholeness…with consciousness and care. Be patient with each other.
 
Keep it current. This one is tricky without a doubt, especially if there is a backlog of issues that haven’t been sifted through (all the more reason to make sure that we carve out the time and space with our people to TALK!). It is so important to keep the conflict current….what is happening *now*, not 2 weeks ago or 5 years ago, etc.  If that stuff needs to be processed, by all means do so, yet issues that are past and are carrying a charge, need care in sorting through.  If you find yourself in that backlog, it may be a wonderful gesture to seek professional support in navigating that terrain. 
 
Sometimes you just need to let things out. There’s nothing wrong with this per se. When it becomes not okay/wrong, is when we are harmful. So, if you can come to the table of an argument with the intention of moving through something with authenticity, but also respect, then arguing, disagreeing, and/or hashing things out can be productive, empowering, and life altering for yourself and whomever you’re in relationship with.
 
 
A breakdown in a relationship is a wonderful opportunity to grow and deepen. Breakdowns happen when there is a disconnect of some sort. There is generally some deeper level severance on a fundamental level that is the impetus for the breakdown. I can boldly state that many breakdowns in relationship are caused by a disconnection from ourselves and our aligned truth. This then plays out in a division within our relationships. Sure, there are issues in relationships. Always. Yet, bigger breakdowns where you just are not on the same plane with the other, is very much about not being in sync with yourself...not being in alignment and in integrity with yourself. When a breakdown happens, it truly is an opportunity to deepen in growth within the container of your relationship,*if* both parties are willing and capable of turning towards themselves and each other and are open to the repair process.
 
 
The power of repair. I believe that the repair process is equally as important as every other aspect of a relationship. It is a constant dance of fine-tuning in self-reflection, humbleness, surrender, heart-melting, and authenticity. Everyone and every relationship are unique in how they navigate the terrain of repair, yet, I cannot emphasize enough how crucial it is to do it with consciousness, mindfulness, intentionality, and with the health of your relationship at the forefront. Do not bypass this step!!  It can absolutely bring you closer to your people and allow the experience of healing on a deep and palpable level and propel you to the next level in your relations. 
 
 
Relationship can be a spiritual practice if you choose for it to be. I am certainly not referring solely to intimate relationships, although that is where our edges are revealed, our shadows transparent, and our capacity to heal on a deeply embodied level are present.

All relationships can provide a mirror of inquiry into the gaps within our humanness and the opportunity to grow immensely.
 
Relationship can be a platform to lean on and a landing pad to lean into. There are infinite opportunities to grow on fundamental and foundational levels if we can take a look at our relationships as the mirror to your healing. The mirror to your shadows, the mirror to your amazingness, the mirror to your dysfunctional and habitual patterns… All of it.
 
With that comes a choice point within the bubble of relationship…between you and the other….to utilize your relationship for the highest good and to mutually choose to grow both together and apart. To do your own individual work so that you may meet the other from that place of connection and intimacy with self.
 
It is a calling, a responsibility, a mission….most certainly not an *easy* path to choose, but one that can enrich your life and state of being in immense ways.
 
Wherever this time of year finds you, may you access a deeper layer of yourself so as to continue in your evolution as a beautiful human navigating this wild human life. 
 
Tap into the medicine of these times. 
 
And, as always, if you are struggling, please reach out for support.

Schedule a complimentary 20-minute Clarity Call with me HERE